Elegant Gothic Miranda

Just putting it on my LJ and turning comments off and such cause I have nowhere better to put it..
And I was gonna send it at her as a dA note but it seems stupid now from her journal entry and probably the comment I'm not reading till I feel better.

Do you want to know WHY I faked sick and didn't go?
Cause I couldn't actually make you have to deal with me being the hypocrite retard I am all day. You deserve to go to that place with better people than I am, and you got to go and have fun. I don't even deserve going there and I don't think I'm going to make them again because they used it against me when we went to Yellowstone, and it was true. I make them go there so they deserve to go somewhere they like and I hate so much I wanted it to blow up more than Mexico on a day when I'm so incredibly pissed off at him.
And of course, I'm jealous of your fighting skills. You always win. I have no chance, but mostly cause I'm wrong and you have smarts in that area other than the area that I'm now falling in, making me INCREDIBLY stupid. The area where you're smart I'd give where I'm smart to have. And I think slowly it IS happening, though not as quickly as I'd like.
Well anyway. That's all I had to say, hope you had fun. Cause really, you deserve to have fun with nice people there, as I said.
I'm not gonna show up at clubbie because I'm not actually comfortable with making you be in the same room as me yet. But maybe the next week, you know? I'll be over it by then. And I really DO have to forget everything I learned while taking happy drugs and go back to being overly quiet. Because it has to be speaking my retarded mind or just being quiet all the time. And being quiet all the time was a hell of a lot safer. I make an idiot of myself constantly in the talkative version.
And yes. You're going "Have a balance of the two. Think before you say stupid stuff, but don't go all quiet." I actually can't have it that way. In my sillie world it's rather black and white, you know.. one way or the other. And I've talked to shrinks about this, but it's not like they've ever done anything because I end up being quiet in there because the shit I caused when I actually talked.
Yes. I should learn to deal with this shit. But it's not happening easily. Maybe someday it can happen. But I'll probably end up doing the suicide I've contemplated for the last 3 years before I could serioulsy mature.
Thank you for bothering to read that, though yes. It was a complete waste of your time and I'm sorry.

Yeah. I said on dA I was gonna stop saying stuff, but this was written before that and NEEDED to be said.
End.

Oh yeah.
I'm not really mad at you.
It's true I guess. I just don't want to let myself believe it..
Because things are happy even if I get emotional about nothing.
It's me not him, kay?
But I just don't want people reading it anymore.
Yeah. I could save it on compie blah blah whatever.
But I dont' feel like it..

lj is retarded and gets my time wrong always.
so i have to put in a not right time.

All friends are going to be deleted except the one who actually won't come here to read.
I'm dumb.
And type liesssss. Or something. I forgot what I typed that night. Sillie Mir.
But really it was nothing. I'm just dumb. As I said.
Thanks for being my friends..
<3

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<3